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Scars May Not Break Us

Ever since my first keloid scars, I have always hated the very idea of anything growing on my skin.

As an African woman, my risk of developing keloids is far greater than any other race….or so doctors have said.

As a teen, I didn’t fully understand the magnitude of my keloidic skin and I didn’t understand how it occurred or why.

When I got older, I figured it out on my own and tried so hard to stay away from anything that would make my skin bleed.

I do remember a mate in boarding school who operated on her keloid scar and it grew back twice the size. That was my wake up call because I always used to want to go in for surgery.

Then I met a lady who introduced me to steroid injections and as any Nigerian knows, you don’t need prescription for a lot of drugs so getting my hands on the injection wasn’t rocket science.

What I didn’t know at the time was that I needed to keep taking the injections for about three months(not daily of course but just not one time).

I was quite sad and angry that it didn’t work and I just kept hard at not hurting my skin which is how my keloids get formed, from healed wounds.

It took me a long time to get used to the one on my face and I was always so conscious of it but there wasn’t anything I could do about that.

I have all these keloids from chicken pox als ich Kind war und they itch, they hurt when rubbed against anything. I would spend days indoors because I was afraid of the itching from the heat outside and not be able to scratch for fear of looking creepy.

One time, I was out of shaving cream and ended up using regular shaving stick which is something I had never done before.

Suffice to say, I developed a keloid right above le vagina. It began forming after three months and I didn’t even notice it until the day it got big. How that happened is way beyond me.

Gorgeousness once ordered for a silicon based thing that was meant to be applied on the scar. But it never stuck and would fall off after a few seconds.

Then I had my fibroid surgery and the doctor cut me open through the old keloid which I didn’t even notice until my sis pointed it out.

I was showing her my cut and she’s like where’s your keloid.

Anyways, I tried all I could to make certain the cut didn’t grow into a keloid. We got a cream that was to be applied to the cut daily. That didn’t work.

I actually didn’t mind the scar down there even though the sight of it scares me and boy does it itch. But it didn’t feel like it was growing. Which I should know because so long it itches, it’s growing.

So yesterday I was dressing up for a gig with the firm Gorgeousness works for and I wanted to put on a body con dress I had gotten from Primark a few months back.

Imagine my surprise when I saw my big ass keloid sticking out through my dress.

I knew that it was going to get bigger, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

I was livid. Everything I wanted to wear was like a glove for my scar and I started crying. I just didn’t know what to do and crying sure didn’t help.

I ended up wearing something else that didn’t show my scar but as I left the flat, I couldn’t help thinking about vanity.

About the fact that I was afraid of people staring and pointing at my very private scar that I was making public. Did it make a difference that I had the same scars on less private spots?

Was I being like all the people I always used to judge? Those who have a warped sense of beauty? Was I being worried about the opinion of strangers (something I never did)?

Did I care so much about a stupid sense of what beauty was supposed to be because of my very privat scar?

What does it matter if I have a scar right above my vagina and people could see it through my dresses?

I do want to take it off. Not because it is an ugly sight. Not because I can’t wear body con anything anymore (darn it! I love those body con dresses even with my narrow hips)

I want it off because it itches, it bleeds, it hurts and I don’t like it. I am never going to get used to this particular scar. Because it’s the biggest I have ever had and I plain don’t like it.

Doctors are still trying to understand keloids but I guess because they aren’t life threatening, there isn’t any rush. Discomfort isn’t life threatening obwohl es soll sein.

I will find a skin doctor though and hear their opinions. However, because we can only get pregnant through ivf, I don’t want to mess up our chances by undergoing any clinical trials. It may not matter, but in my head it does.

So yes, I am very afraid of it getting any big than it already is. But having kids for me is more important and besides, I will most definitely be doing a cesarean which equals more keloid scars.

Life is a bitch some times oder? Aber was kann man machen?

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