naija blues

The Ehepaar Ideology And All That Jazz

How are we just two weeks into January? Time is moving at such a snail pace and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing!

What’s the hurry you ask? I truly have no idea. All I know is I want to accomplish all I set out to do this year. Of course some are beyond my control and maybe that’s what’s freaking me out? Who knows abi?

Anyways, yesterday I read a caption on Instagram about a well known Nigerian woman who is having troubles in her home. According to people, her marriage is new plus she has a little child and now she’s separated from her husband.

What’s my problem?

What else?!

Apparently, some former bff of hers who’s male went on an Instagram rampage, quoting words about how what goes around definitely comes around, karma and all that jazz.

According to him, she had affairs with married men when she was a single lady so it only makes sense that some other girl (or girls!) will most definitely get her husband hot and bothered.

A few people commented about how it doesn’t matter what you do, your husband will always cheat on you and this is what I have a problem with!

I remember talking with a close family friend as a very young woman and we talked about the idea of cheating spouses and I remember she said “all men must cheat”. She is married now with three kids and I keep wanting to call her up and ask her if she still feels the same way.

It’s easy for us to open our mouths and say things about stuff we haven’t experienced and that’s OK but what is not OK is to assume stupidity.

A lot of Nigerian women are born with the understanding that it is OK for your partner to cheat. Turn a blind eye and if he is a billionaire, just go spend money every time he plays the dog. If he isn’t, well too bad for you.

My parents didn’t give us a great look at marriage and I’m not blaming them…Not too much anyways.

My father was a great dad don’t get me wrong. He was almost the perfect dad truth be told but his love for the different love pockets(Luvvie Ajayi”s words) the world had to offer was his undoing and my mother just had a nasty way of handling it.

Marriage is nothing to joke about so for women to say stuff like “it matters not what you do, your husband will definitely cheat on you” “all men cheat” blah blah blah…Is just downright wrong and disrespectful.

No y’all just hooked up with the wrong people. It’s that simple. They say it’s a man’s world and this idea is what allows a lot of men to do foolish things that potentially jeopardizes amazing relationships. But the million dollar question is: Are they? Amazing?

Some people say marriage is just two people signing a document and that maybe so, but marriage is more than that.

Before I met Liebhaber, marriage was never on my mind. Sure penises to play with is fun but at the end of the day, glued to one by law wasn’t my thing. Why? Because I never thought I was the kind of person to be faithful to one person my entire life. The truth is all the people I ever met were the wrong kind and I had no loyalty whatsoever to either of them. I was trying to prove to the world that men didn’t own it alone.

In Nigeria, when a woman is found guilty of extra marital affairs, she is labeled a prostitute, an evil person who has no respect for the ring on her finger, for the children she bore and for the family name she married into. She reports incidents and her mother in-law tells her to endure, that her son’s father did the same to her.

However, a man cheats and the woman is blamed.

“Oh she never did aerobics in bed so he found it elsewhere.”

“She nags him all the time so he found peace outside.”

“She refuses to have sex every time so he went out to who was generous with her vagina.”

The excuses are endless and the sad part is that these excuses usually come from other women which is quite sad really.

Karma had nothing to do with her husband cheating on her if he did cos right now it’s just celebrity gossip.

He is just a lousy man who has no business putting a ring on her finger if he still wanted to taste the flesh of another woman while married.

This is why I hardly ever give side eyes to strong feminists because it’s appalling how women are treated in regards to life in Nigeria and the world in general.

Being unfaithful is hurtful and it breaks your partner in ways you can never imagine, especially if they are in love with you.

I watched my mother try to make sense of everything and it was disgraceful. She became someone else entirely and did things that were dangerous to her and to her kids. And I grew up thinking this was something I never wanted to feel so what was the point of getting married? Stay the single woman and have access to all the single men penises you could find and not go crazy when another woman touches him because he isn’t entirely yours anyway right?

Meeting Liebhaber changed all that crazy because he showed me that the world has good men in it. Men who actually understand what love and respect is. Men who put you first and say they are sorry when there is a misunderstanding between you two (even though you started it!). Men who would do the right things to keep you happy.

When a couple gets married, people assume it’s all fairy tale and happiness.

Happiness most definitely but fairy tale just depends on what you think fairy tale is.

As women, especially Nigerian women, we need to stop with all the nonsense. The world doesn’t belong to the men alone. We own it too duh!

But to respect marriage isn’t a task just for women alone.

Not just marriage really. So long as you are in a committed relationship with someone you care about, someone you love, someone who makes you happy, then it should be respected.

Love isn’t enough. You need to respect your partner as well because when you don’t, anything is possible, all bets are off and the unthinkable is not limited.

Marriage may just be a lawful union between two people but it’s also a lot more than that. I’m not naïve in thinking that all marriages around the world are based purely on love, of course not. But let’s pretend that that’s the case for the sake of the whole idea of marriage.

It’s doing things together, it’s getting pissed off about things like clothes on the floor, it’s understanding the need to be yourself without disrespecting the other, it’s about one person farting in the other’s presence, it’s about wearing his boxers when all your underthings are in need of a wash, it’s about cleaning up the mess he made because you have a certain way that your kitchen needs to be cleaned! It’s about lying in each other’s arms on the sofa every weekend watching a movie and you fall asleep once your head hits his belly even after he tells you that might happen but you argue hell no and sleep anyway.

Hell, it’s about a lot of things, the good, the bad, and the downright crazy ugly but you put up with them because these are nothing.

But when one partner cheats, marriage isn’t about putting up with that sort of betrayal.

Some people say if their men cheat, they will just warn him to always clean up after then come home.

Some ask oh what would I do? He’s the father of my kids, where will I go? My folks won’t welcome me home(side eyes to Nigeria).

Like I said earlier, we shouldn’t say stuff about nothing we have experienced. But as a woman who grew up with a dad who cheated and a mum who made a mess of the situation I know for a fact that a betrayal like that can turn you into a whole new person.

You put up with it for a while and then what? Go crazy checking his phone messages? Find another man to dust off the cobwebs from the love pockets? And then what? Investigate the women by yourself or with a PI? For how long will you slowly degenerate into someone other than who you used to be? Who get that kain time mbok.

Life is too short to spend it chasing after the women who your partners have decided to share his penis with. Or her love pocket for that matter, since we are acknowledging the fact that the world doesn’t belong to the male species alone and we know…Side eyes…That women get the cheating syndrome as well!

Marriage is no joke people, let’s respect the beauty of it and not mess it up by straying and then blaming the devil for our stupidity.

If he cheated while you dated (did I just rhyme?), be rest assured that it is likely to happen and it has nothing to do with karma.

The karma isn’t that he cheated. The karma lies in the fact that you married an asswipe and that is what people tend to easily forget.

Have a great week ahead y’all!



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